When a food critic turns the poison pen on herself

25 Random Things About Food February 19, 2009

Filed under: All-occasion cakes,Inane stuff — crummb @ 4:16 pm
Tags: , , ,

strawberry-dome-loFor four long years, I asked this question every week for a Sunday food column I used to write: What would your last meal be? Invariably, the personalities I interviewed would give some blah answer, like Teochew porridge or their mother’s steamed egg or some such boring throwaway.

If I were asked this question, oh-ho-ho, I would say: A ginormous strawberry shortcake that I could jump into and eat from the inside out. When I’m done, I’d throw myself into a bath-tub filled with Thai chilli-and-lemon dried cuttlefish, Kettle’s honey and dijon potato chips, honey cashew nuts and sticky barbecue fish sticks. Then, I would lock myself up in a Nonya buffet.

I could go on and on. Which is why I’ve always secretly wished that someone, anyone, would ask me this question for a change, so I could unleash my long pent-up list.

Well, since we’re in the season for lists (you know,  the pandemic spread of self-love in Facebook known as “25”) , I thought I’d just help myself and publish it for all to peruse.

Here is my “25 Random Things About Food”.

1. The best strawberry shortcake in the world can be found in Tampopo Deli in Liang Court.

2. The best French fries in the world can be found in your neighbourhood McDonald’s.

3. Nothing, nothing, is worse than undercooked red beans in ice kacang.

4. I can eat raw oysters, raw fish, raw prawns and raw beef, but never raw beansprouts.

strawberry-inside-lo5. If my house were on fire, the first thing I’ll grab (other than husband Z and baby E) is my Ruffles cakestand, which Z ordered from the States as my Christmas present last year. (See photos – ain’t it pwetty?)

6. If I were the Prime Minister of Singapore, I would decree that the annoyingly floppy thick noodles in laksa be replaced by beehoon. No more stains!

7. In an ideal world, all grapes and watermelons are seedless.

8. Cornflakes are best eaten at night.

9. If I were stranded on an island, I could live on canned sweet corn alone – yummy, fibrous, and no need to cook. 

10. I bear no shame for cooking with Lee Kum Kee oyster sauce. It really does make everything taste better.

11. Yes, there is something even better than Maggi chilli sauce. Its name is Lingham’s.

12. If I could choose which country I could be born in to enjoy the national cuisine, it would be Thailand, Indonesia or Japan (in this order).

13. If I can have only one accompaniment to rice, it would be sambal fishcake.

14. The Japanese do everything better – the best ribeye steak (Angus Steakhouse), the best curry rice (Tampopo), the best pasta (mentaiko spaghetti), and the ultimate best salad dressing (sesame flavour by We Love Salad! brand).

15. But if there’s one thing the Koreans do better than the Japanese, it is instant noodles (spicy mushroom flavour).

16. I have a secret weapon when it comes to stir-frying kangkong. It is called Cantonese XO sauce.

17. Three things I must always have in my fridge: Eggs, cold water, Nestle’s mango lassi drink.

18. Things I eat because of the dipping sauce: chicken rice, oh luak (oyster omelette), yong tau foo.

19. When I was on a 7-day detox fast a few years ago, the first thing I hallucinated about was nasi padang.

20. To me, the holy trinity of fruits is Mountain King durians, ‘harumanis’ mangoes from Indonesia, and ‘lor mai chee’ lychees from China.

21. Of the tiresome appetiser platter that’s served at ALL Chinese wedding banquets, I actually quite like the prawns in mayo sauce.

22. If the secret to good skin is not water, but Ribena, I could run for Miss Universe.

23. I’ve taken the dump in the toilet of Phoon Huat (bakery supplies store) in Holland Village four times – more than in any retail shop on earth – because I’m always very excited when I’m there.

24. Bovril in rice porridge is totally underrated.

25. I always wanted to marry someone who can cook. Z can’t cook. But he can dance. So that makes up for it.

PS: Okay, now it’s your turn. I’ve always wondered who you people jacking up my hit counter are. So drop a comment about your last meal (or anything at all). Just don’t say it’s Teochew porridge.


22 Responses to “25 Random Things About Food”

  1. Z Says:


  2. Peh Says:

    My last meal would be Teochew porridge. Hahahaha…

    No lah, it would be eight chwee kueh from Tiong Bahru, a yummy bowl of fish ball mee pok from Tiong Bahru and the world’s best Lo Mai Kai from Tiong Bahru. But I will not take a dump at Tiong Bahru. It is smelly. And I must pang sai before I die. So after I have driven to some clean toilet to unload, I will return to Tiong Bahru and be buried there. I love Tiong Bahru.

    If I could choose which country to be born in to enjoy its national cuisine, I hope Tiong Bahru would have seceded from Singapore. I want to be a citizen of the Republic of Tiong Bahru.

  3. crummb Says:

    hahahah! mr peh, you are the best. HEY EVERYONE! for more of such inane food ramblings, check out mr peh’s blog highly recommended!

  4. anon Says:

    #7: seedless mandarin oranges too, please!

  5. daphnechan00 Says:

    # 23 is the funniest hahaha!

  6. clare Says:

    #6: How could you?! Chor bee hoon is the best! It’s a Malaysian thing I tell ya. You Malaysians just dont know how to appreciate chor bee hoon in laksa. They go together like hand in glove. Bee hoon and yellow mee (yellow mee??!!) are for wimps.

    #12: It would be Japan, Thailand and Italy for me, in that order. Although, heh, Malaysia is fast gaining ground in my foodie heart.

    Will go try Nestle’s Mango Lassi. hehehe.

  7. Ah Pei Says:

    Hee. As i’ve always told my friend, at my funeral, please do not offer roast chicken, roast duck..yuck yuck yuck. Just give me these 3 & i’ll leave happily & i’ve always lived happily with these 3 – critical food i called it.

    1) Fishball (sambal will be best ! but boiled, fried all can if possible)

    2) Soya beancurd (less sweet, original flavour, no funny flavour like pandan, i like it traditional)

    3) Curry puff (AMK tip top curry puff will be appreciated)

    For drinks, i’ll stick to Chin Chow. (less sweet)

    Ah Pei

  8. Faridah Says:

    how i wish I can indulge all of those, without an inch growth of fat in my body – OMG!!!!!! help me you people gimme tips on slimming down.
    Anyhow, that cake of yours is very pretty & sweet – goes very well with the cake stand.
    What a lovely Mr Z.
    yay… buying Nestle’s Mango Lassi tonite.

  9. crummb Says:

    ah, i see i am in good company – we all like local/asian good. Asian food RAWKS!
    actually, the Nestle mango lassi is always in the fridge because Z decrees it. (it helps him sh**, hehheehe!)

  10. Midori Says:

    #24: Yeah, Bovril!!! In Australia, can substitute Vegemite. But I once told my Aussie friend I was going to eat porridge with Vegemite, and she gave me a disgusted look…

    My last meal:
    1. A whole truckload of Sashimi.
    2. A cauldron full of tomyam soup (when I’m dead, no need to lao sai).
    3. Kimchi!
    4. Aloo gobi, chicken tikka and raita from Heritage near Sixth Avenue.
    5. A Virgin Mary.
    6. Warm chocolate cake from Bakerzin. Or the green apple-accompanied version from Il Lido.
    8. Shabu Shabu.

  11. spots Says:

    Japanese also do cheesecake better–tofu cheesecake! 🙂

    Vart is Cantonese XO sauce and where to buy? I must try.

    Lee Kum Kee Oyster Sauce is really good! But you must buy the one with the mother rowing the boat with the son inside. You know right? 🙂

    Do you happen to know HOW to make that dipping sauce for dry Yong Tau Foo? I had a craving recently, and no one was able to help me … 😦

    I agree about the chor bee hoon — sorry Clare! Floppy noodles should be BANNED. 🙂

  12. Stef Says:

    My mum’s assam prawns…the stuff is so good,it will actually put a smile on my face as I float over to the next world.

    Before I go into the light though,diving into a bathtub filled with my friend Karen’s (madbaker) Opera and Blackforest macarons would be wonderful too.
    Utter bliss.

    I wonder if St. Peter will allow me to smuggle some assam prawns thru the Pearly Gate though…hmmm…

  13. crummb Says:

    midori: my my, your taste in food is very similar to mine!! i loooove tomyam, shabu shabu and aloo gobi too! we must eat together more.

    spots: mother rowing a boat with her son? IS IT?!!!! why? you mean the other one is a fake?
    XO sauce is a chilli-based oil with dried scallops in it. Lee Kum Kee has it in a small bottle form – about $7, quite ex. but so wuddit.
    yong tau foo sauce: er, i thought it is just the same purplish-red hoisin sauce that comes with the soup version? can just buy from shops?

    stef: i LOVE assam prawns too! gosh i’m hungry now.

  14. wordsmith Says:

    babe, I’ve asked u this question before! 🙂
    Your answer was less short then….

  15. Cookie Says:

    #1- Can I buy you a dozen of the strawberry shortcake in exchange for your green tea chiffon cake? Deal?

  16. Sooch Says:

    My last meal would be:
    A mountain of all manner of wagyu beef,
    the best Italian pizzas around (with bubbly, bubbly crust and cheese and herbs yummyyyy!!!),
    Pierre Herme’s desserts specially created for me,
    a buffet table of dark chocolate truffles that goes on forever,
    my mom’s pickled jap cucumber salad and spicy seaweed salad.
    Actually, there’s a ton of other food I would love to have. There’s no time limit to a last meal right? Hehehehe….

  17. crummb Says:

    wordsmith: oh yes! i think you were the only one who did! and i can’t remember what i said.. ha

    cookie: really? you want the green tea chiffon so bad? in my opinion, a more accurate equation would be 1 strawberry shortcake = 200 green tea chiffons. NOTHING beats strawberry shortcake! 🙂

    sooch: you are one classy girl. so unlike me… me and my bath-tub full of smelly cuttlefish! hahaha.

  18. Shiyi Says:

    OMG… u r soo my cousin.. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA becos i love bovril in congee.. i think it’s becos everyone in the family feed their kids with it.. as in US.. hahaha..i hate raw bean sprouts cos of the raw smell and taste ….my mum calls in it teochew(CHAO CEH BI directly translated stinky green smell )… and i hate hokkien noodles in laksa….i always only have it with vermicelli.. and i love prawns with mayo… does it run in the family?hahahaha

    • crummb Says:

      we are indeed flesh and blood! you know what else i love? dunking soda crackers in milo. that is da BOMB! i still do it almost every night for supper. kampong or what! 🙂

  19. Shiyi Says:

    hahaha dun worry… i still do that here too..and my bf looks at me like i am a weirdo hahahah….even sar gou still eats that.. hehehe yummm cream crackers…

  20. efoo Says:

    last meal? luncheon meat sandwich with ketchup made with gardenia bread. sinful taste plus my body should look great for quite a few days after. hey great blog, the inane is killah, thank my wife for getting me to see this, thank today’s strait times for giving her this lead… so good to see TPL again!

    • crummb Says:

      hello eugene, thanks for your comment! would i know your wife? and where on yesterday’s ST did she get the lead? and yes, after eating luncheon meat your body will be as pristine as mao’s in forbidden city ahhaha

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